(Successful) “Win” – Enrich your writing
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Chapter 3
Young and Lopez want an explanation. I start with the complete truth: I had not seen the suitcase in many years. How many years? Here my memory becomes foggier.
Many, I say. More than ten? Yes. More than twenty? I shrug.
Could I at least confirm that the suitcase had belonged to me? No, I would need a closer look, to be able to open it and look at its contents. Young doesn't like that. I didn't think she would. But can't I at least confirm the suitcase is mine just by looking at it?
I couldn't for certain, sorry, I tell them. But those are your initials and your family crest, Lopez reminds me. They are, I say, but that doesn't mean someone didn't make up a duplicate suitcase. Why would someone do that? I have no idea. And so it goes.
Simplification (the "bare bones" of the text):
Young and Lopez want an explanation about the suitcase: it’s been missing for many years. They interrogate me. The suitcase has my family crest and logo on it. Why can’t I confirm it?
What would it feel like being interrogated by 'successful agents'?
What would the office of successful agents look like?
What would be evidence of a successful businessman?
I looked up to the walls. It was a who’s who of crime busting. These two officers – Lopez and Young – were a real supremo double act of crime-fighting. They had some real moxie. They were big names on the wall, too. For example: Big Ernie the strangler; Light-fingered Jerry the city’s greatest pickpocket; and Nine-toes McGubbin, the second greatest crime lord north of the river.
I was sitting in the same chair that they sat in when they broke. Where they were grilled like a ham and cheese sandwich, but without the delicious taste. I imagined them there. Sweating. Doubting. Just waiting to be found out.
It was commonly spoken in the force that they were the best. And they had built up quite a fearsome reputation. They were almost worshipped by the junior officers.
“So!” boomed Lopez. “We have you at last, my slippery friend.”
“Um… I’ve not really been anywhere” I reply.
“Ah, you top business executives are always jetting off to places though, aren’t you?” Young piped in.
“Well, our company has clients in a handful of different countries. They want to hear from the chief officer now and again. It’s important. But I haven’t left the country for a few months. All my travels recently have been mostly local with a few out of state.” I’m trying to counterbalance their ‘slippery’ comment.
“…and then there are the vacations, aren’t there? Tropical islands, is it? Or maybe a bit of skiing in the Swiss Alps?” Lopez imagines out loud.
“I took a family vacation at Christmas. Guatemala. I don’t think I’ll have another till this Christmas. We’ve had a swelling of customers – a really fruitful year.” I try not to miss any details.
“Hmmm… Yes, sounds lovely. Not just family you were with though, was it? In fact, we picked up a notorious gentleman with suspicious items. Is this your suitcase?” Young and Lopez both looking a bit smug now. The thing is, it really does look like my suitcase, but I haven’t seen it for years!
Rewrite the excerpt to give the impression that the two agents and the man are very successful.
Aim for 150-250 words.
Click on the speech bubble to join in (Comments on all 3 exercises will appear at the end of the lesson.)
When students have submitted work, the teacher will choose examples to show here along with corrections and suggestions.